January 24th, 2010 
admin
In my younger life, I was the kind of parent that I now ashamed of, an authoritarian bully. I was narrow-minded and quickly angered and become violent. Particularly when my kids do not know my commands or when they disobey my orders. I grew up in the a small town for a destitute family, the father works for 14 hours, this is right, you see, whether you calculate it, my father was a stone breaker, uses his hands and a heavy hammer to break rocks in the mountain. He used to woke up at four in the morning, makes tea and eat a bread with olive oil and za’ter**. He generally leaves at five to wait for the truck to take him with other workers to the mountain, and stays there until seven in the evening, so, it is right, from five in the morning to seven in the evening, fourteen long hours everyday apart from Friday, the unpaid holiday. The only day we see our father. Our mother, but took care of us. She cooks everyday for the family, and sometimes questions me to send one dish to my aunt, who lives few houses absent from our domestic. The family fought to outlive as refugees, but not in camps. My father managed to have a one room apartment. I was one of five brothers, and two sisters. In my tall school, I joined my father working a manual work, too in the mountains. I believed that my wife and children belonged to me as we belonged to our father. My attitude toward others was, stay absent from interfering in other’s commerce. That was what I learned from my mother. Stay absent from problems. I thought that was too the way my father thinks. Later I became as I supposed to be. Life was cruel for us, we did not delight in buying dress like other children. The pants we use as pajamas, we go to school with, rarely we wash our faces, for lack of water. In our meals, the one dish shared by all the family, when the circle is crowded, my Dad says: sit a military sitting, to make room for other brothers and sisters. The military sitting was to place one leg under self, and make the other leg half stand. I never forget those days, The made me the person whom am I now.
I learned there should be a better way, a entire modern world. I started to amazement, what the future will be? I obtained valuable input from tens of hundreds of people of all ages when I was taking care of a small grocery opened by my father, in six months it was closed, my father was not able to pay the rent. Scouting after graduation from the tall school was a groundbreaking modern world opened up for me. I was appointed a substitute teacher in my tall school. And in three years and half, I worked in 17 elementary, middle, and secondary schools in the district. Our role after the only one month training at the Teachers’ Institute, to substitute in-service ancient teachers, who were accepted to memorize modern teaching methods under UNESCO funding project. The experience in the 17 schools was enhancing my already energetic youth. Where I was involved in establishing beside my teaching job, a modern boy scout team in every school, in three months. My reputation made me the first elected boy scout common secretary for the district. In that period of my youth, My duties includes girls scouts too.
After marriage and having kids, I started to dread the role of authoritarian father, as my father was. I couldn’t stand the terrorism and pain in my children’s eyes as they waited for me to address their wrongs.
I came to America, my dream land in my early childhood and youth, I was enrolled in a respective university to study clash management in educational institutions. Which was administrative in nature. After completing the M.A, I started to alter my parenting fashion, using my knowledge of dealing with clash, particularly family conflicts.
I started to question my family members for assist, I told them I simply wanted to like and delight in life with them. I questioned them may be daily to resist any harsh or unfair treatment to each other, as well as to other students at school. More importantly, I questioned them whether they caught me acting in insane tone, like a bully or dictator, they have to call me on immediately. They learn from me to be independent, to do their jobs perfectly as students.
Because my emotions often ran unchecked when discipline was called for, and because I was larger in size, louder in voice, and stronger in muscles than all, including my wife, we devised a three finger sign, agreed upon on a sign as a traffic cop for anyone runaway mouth including myself for many reasons, the sign shows immediately that there was something incorrect. The one who raises that sign will say what was going incorrect. The sign in fact became a structure everybody learn to hear, to comment, and to vote on.
In addition, as taking the father’s role, I have given them permission to “flip off,” any offender in the family, they remain suspicious for a while. They were not certain it would work. One day, my youngest six years ancient son, after I told him to conclusion his popcorn flakes dish, he ducked his head under his outstretched arm and gave me the sign. It stopped me like I had been struck by a blot of lightning. I started smiling, then broke into laughter. I grabbed him in my arms and hugged and kissed his uneasy face until we both were laughing and crying. In fact, I thanked him for following the sign recreation. I told him how much I loved him and appreciate what he had done.
Until this day, He’s now in his third year in the same university his Dad attended, we come to conversation after using the sign. I don’t recollect why I was so insane in my early life. It doesn’t matter now. It was long time ago, when I used physical or emotional violence against my children or anyone else. The sign was a brilliant lesson. My children used it all the time, with their peers, their friends at school, and at domestic. It was like a magic, unfortunately when the grew up, I did not totally stopped from losing my mood, until my ancient son came one day to me and told me that he’s plotting to abandon and live his life. after showing my rage, he raised his three fingers and said: Dad, you are a professor of clash management, I don’t want to remind you to make an all-commitment to your philosophy and follow through. It was a brilliant lesson, we all learned to hear, to respect and the clarify to each other what annoys us as well as what make us joyful.
This despised, toxic behavior using loud voice or physical act against their children should be stopped, and changed over time. The other method I used and was effective, was not to reply immediately any question or react in rage before counting to ten, until you cooled out. It’s like a custom which is replaced by a modern behavior. Whether parents practice those habits, clash will be reduced and vanished by time. Such habits will soon goes forever. I was very thankful to my family, and my children, the sign was brilliant, the counting for ten before getting rage to cool out all of us, and to say clearly and to hear to each other and live a joyful life. (1331 words) www.askdryahya.com
Notes:
Za’atar is a Middle Eastern (Palestinian) spice that is really a mix of several spices. And eaten generally with olive oil and bread. It is extremely versatile so can be used on everything from bread to vegetables.
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