Anger Management Tips

Introduction

When we thoughtlessly and impulsively react to feelings of rage, rage becomes a weapon. It is as whether we are running ruddy lights at intersections and putting ourselves and others in grave danger. Many of us are emotionally color blind at the intersection between feeling, thought and action precisely because like any intersection these events appear connected in a logical sequence. When we take out our experiences of rage on others we tend not to slow down long sufficient to recognize that what seems logical may not be. Furthermore, what we want to see as a green light is really an impulse running through what under cooler and cooler circumstances ought to be our consciences and reality testing/judgment flashing ruddy lights. Whether the ruddy light is flashing we are moving too quickly and relentlessly to slow down and pay attention. The consequences of our actions once the dust settles are maximum often injurious to both parties individually, and their relationship. Having worked as a social worker in a criminal court in Connecticut I know from experience that the jails and prisons in this country are populated by folks who have both used rage as a weapon as well as by those who sincerely believe they were victims of such aggression and were acting in self defense.

This article busts some of the myths responsible for the irresponsible management of rage and other emotions that as cocktails light the fuse on verbally and physically abusive behaviors. I hope this article will lead many of you out there who know of someone who fits the descriptions in the following paragraphs to share this article with them so that they may do some soul searching and perhaps, find the motivation to obtain counseling.

Myth #1:”He pushed my buttons so he got what he deserved.”

Does an unsuspecting person deserve to be your personal whipping post when something he says annoys you and lights the fuse for 40 years of collected grievances? Whether you have not forgiven ______ for what was done to you during your childhood then, you are likely to still have an axe to grind and may unbeknownst to yourself spend your days looking to avenge such injustices. Unfortunately, an untreated victim never loses the drive to repeat history and places himself in harm’s way with the tale ending where he either repeats the role of victim or assumes the role of perpetrator after finding a suitable victim. Misery never finds sufficient company and is a self perpetuating machine until people break these vicious cycles with the assist of trained professionals. It’s not anyone’s responsibility apart from our own to work at healing the emotional wounds suffered early in life. It’s not anyone else’s fault whether something happens between ourselves and someone else that triggers painful associations earlier traumas. It’s unhappy and unlucky but, is a reality of life. Whether we battle this reality we keep heaping more pain and suffering on everyone including ourselves. Whether we accept this unlucky reality then, we may head on the road toward forgiveness. Forgiveness is in our self interest. We can’t shape brighter futures whether we are still held hostage by our pasts. Whether we were nothing more than vending machines then, when someone pushed our buttons we would not be responsible for using rage as a weapon. We are responsible. Fair question a criminal court judge in any state.

Myth #2: “I didn’t do anything incorrect. I tried to walk absent from fighting with him and he pursued me into the bedroom, cornered me and then, called me every name in the book. Of course I slugged him. What else could I have done?”

Life is often not honest and sometimes we have only one unappealing choice to make in the name of our health and welfare. That choice based on the scenario above is to go out. Separation anxieties are not an excuse to stay with a partner who will degrade us and otherwise provoke us into fights until we lose our cool and retaliate. Whether our efforts to call time outs or otherwise, to deescalate conflicts are not respected and the two of us wind up in violent encounters then, we have one and only reasonable choice at our disposal; find a secure haven until we have evidence that both of us are willing and able to manage our feelings in a more respectful and thoughtful manner. Two wrongs never make a right and the party that retaliates is often deemed to be as guilty as the one who started. When the police are called to break up domestic disputes “who started” often does not determine whether or not both parties will be questioned to seem in court to face charges.

Myth #3: “Whether I get insane I get very destructive.”

The title of this article could very well be Busting Myths Approximately Rage Management. Rage all by itself does not often lead to abusive behaviors. Maximum often we have to sprinkle a small rage, envy and hatred to get something akin to an explosive cocktail. Wars start when people feel attacked and attacks on our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness are often taken very personally by many. Whether we are wronged and hurt by others we will maximum likely be insane. Whether we assume that we are being mistreated because we don’t count, and we believe we don’t count because we deserve to be treated this way for some ugliness or defect of character or physical appearance, all we have to do is swallow this message entire and then, rage will bleed into rage. Rage is a sign that our worth and significance is under attack and we are feeling helpless to defend ourselves. This experience breeds destructive acts of retaliation because it becomes a matter of kill or be killed in terms of feeling like worthwhile people deserving of respect and consideration.

Myth #4: I was out of control so I’m not responsible for my actions. This translates to: “Denial is not a river in Egypt.”

Many substance abusers and other non compliant consumers of mental health treatment services use “being out of control” to “feel in control” of getting what they want. Whether we are responsible by acts of commission or omission for relinquishing control over ourselves then, we are in a very precarious position. We are very dependent in an unhealthy way on others to see out for us, clean up our messes or otherwise, take responsibility for us. Whether that dependent relationship falls apart we may be one step absent from a impolite awakening that goes along with being held accountable for our actions. This applies whether or not we drink ourselves into oblivion or lose control of our minds as a direct consequence of the choice to halt taking our medications. “The Satan made me hit that person” will not cut it when we have years of psychiatric hospitalizations under our belts that should have taught us what we need to do to manage our hallucinations and delusions. Sometimes notions of being powerful, vital and special are linked to being treated as whether the rules of society don’t apply to us. This is a symptom of not feeling special or vital in our own right.

Myth #5: Whether I don’t reckon approximately it then, I didn’t do anything incorrect. I’m not going to be your victim. I’m going to battle back!

People do not exist to polish images of ourselves that are fake so that we can make genuine that which is flattering for us to see at in the mirror. We can walk around and really believe our press clippings are right whether we confuse who we are with what we want ourselves and others to see and dismiss evidence to the opposite as bogus. In such instances we may feel attacked when these images we depend on for a semblance of self esteem are not validated and are exposed as fraudulent. We may feel that another person has attacked us by exposing us. In truth, we attack our right selves because we have contempt and hatred for how we conduct our lives and yet, we refuse to make changes. Consequently, the messenger is accused for shedding light on our right natures.

The mythical experience that is busted is that we are larger than life when our egos our inflated by fake notions approximately who we are and then, our egos are totally flattened as whether were balloons in The Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade that were pricked by a large pin. The messenger becomes the foe and the rage, rage, envy and hatred that may be stimulated that are associated with feeling devalued and degraded will result in an act of retaliation. It’s not necessarily that our characters are being judged as all terrible. It’s more like we become self conscious of a stain on our imagined pristine character that we cannot tolerate because we do not know how to keep these stains from spreading and coloring our entire selves.

Myth #6: Adults who behave like children feel much better after they explode and release their tension.

I can tell you from many experiences counseling couples that there may be an instant release of emotional tension from our bodies and minds when we let our feelings glide. But, maximum of the adults I have worked with wound up feeling ashamed, guilty and depressed in the long run. Adults need to act like adults and effectively manage age appropriate roles to feel pleased, at peace and fulfilled. When they behave like children they may feel gratified in the small term, and then later on when they have moments to reflect on their actions, feel dreadful.

Conclusion

Impulse control problems of any kind are maximum often treated with counseling and/or medications. Counseling requires making spaces and developing consolation with containing, reflecting on and submitting feelings to the creative powers of mindfulness to alter our perspectives and relationships to rage and other potentially hostile emotions. It takes only one degree of separation from the person we are interacting with, and only one degree of separation from our own feelings, thoughts, and fantasies to start us on the road to neutralizing potentially volatile, destructive and regrettable actions. I hope you will spend some time reflecting on some of the myths I have tried to bust in this article.